falcongrrl: (Default)
[personal profile] falcongrrl
Today I have been cranky and feeling feelings that I don't like feeling, like anger and jealousy, ugh. It has to do with friendships - one friend is kind of rallying around another, which is good, and the friend who's being rallied around is in crisis, so it's good for her to have help.

Here's where the jealousy comes in: I feel like I'm overwhelmed all the time, but I have to hold it together and be strong. So it's just this feeling of knowing that no one's gonna rescue or help me, and kind of equating that with not being loved or whatever. It's all bullshit, but it's where I am kinda. I get in this place of, "Yeah, fuck everyone; no one cares," and I don't like it, and I don't think it's really me, or true, even, but at the same time it's somehow honest right at this very second.

I don't want to dwell on it, but I'm also working on being honest with my feelings. Not in a venting them all over the place sort of way, but I don't want to be smiling over festering resentment either.

That said, Dave and I are in a good place, and I was able to talk with him about it all, and he got where I was coming from. That's really good. And I went out with Daniel, looking for some stuff to make this herbal balm he's working on, and it was good getting out with him, laughing and spending time together.

I love my family, I do. I just think it would also be good to have other perspectives and just friends in my life. And I do - in some ways, this is me not being grateful or quite able to see it. In other ways, it's that between working and parenting and trying to take care of the house, there's just not a lot of time left for maintaining any friendships, online or offline.

Okay, done whining now. I think. :-)
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falcongrrl

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