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Social Misfortune
May. 22nd, 2004 06:26 pmWell, without going into a lot of detail, my healthier online social alternatives are just not panning out.
And, to be honest, neither are my real life ones. *sigh*
I'm trying to analyze the situation and figure out why, and not getting very far.
It seems like my best time for social interaction is during the day, from about 11am to 1pm. That's when the one year old takes her nap and the four year old is at preschool.
That's also when everyone else I know is working.
Once we get to late afternoon/early evening, there's the dinner-playtime-bathtime-stories-bedtime rush for those of us with kids. Not the ideal time for either going out or talking on the phone. Actually, anytime the four year old is awake and home is not a good time for talking on the phone. And being heard.
My second best time for social interaction is from 11pm to 1am. Funny, that the two times are separated from each other by exactly 12 hours. I hadn't noticed that before. Again, much easier to go online at that time, since most people, including the rest of my household, are sleeping. But online is also easier because one of my kids can wake up at a moment's notice, and want Mommy...bad if I were out with friends, but ok when I can just log off and go downstairs.
The thing is, I can come up with all kind of reasons to be online. But what's the real truth? The truth is that I often like online better than real life interaction. I'm wondering just what that means.
Part of it is that most of the time there's no visual...just text. To a word junkie like me, there's a certain beauty in that. A certain simplicity or grace. Even a kind of relief. I like being judged on my writing alone. It feels easier than being evaluated in any other way, actually, if I'm honest.
It's easy for me to make snap judgements as well. Today I was talking to someone who spelled cool as "kewl". Yikes. Instantly I thought better of the conversation. When I read "a/s/l," I immediately think, "Nope, not creative, boring."
And I'm sure I'm writing off some interesting people. At the same time, it's easy. Easy to feel superior, easy to grade someone's literacy level as "pass" or "fail" with a mere glance. Easy to decide who to write off and who might be interesting to have around.
I have met some really cool folks online. I've met some extremely smart people too. I've met people who I thought were my friends. Were they? Are they? Overall, I'm not sure. S. and I had a conversation one time where he talked about the short-lived nature of these types of friendships. At the time I thought he was wrong. Now, I'd tend to agree.
I think online creates a kind of false intimacy. People (okay...me...lol) reveal things online that they wouldn't face to face. Perhaps it's like confession, said to be good for the soul. Or perhaps it's a cheap substitute for the more solid forms of relationship building. You know, calling someone on the phone, meeting them for lunch, helping them move, listening to repeats of sad breakup stories or throwing a joint garage sale. The stuff that takes work. The stuff that seems like a huge investment, when you don't even know if the person...if the friendship...will be worth it.
But maybe the catch is that we're all worth it.
My friend P was telling me about this social theory she was reading about. In a nutshell, the idea is that most relationships are built on one person being up (more than) and one person being down (less than). When you're the one who is "up", you feel very comfortable with your friend but less interested in or excited about them. When you're down, you find your friend fascinating, but are never quite sure if you measure up. You're trying too hard.
I find elements of truth in the theory, but it's depressing as hell. Maybe the absolute truth is that we all are more equal than we believe ourselves to be. This can be both good and bad news, I guess.
I don't have the answers, but I'm living in the question for now.
I will say that I'm glad to have the friends that I do have in my life. The ones that put up with me IMing them at 12am, calling on the phone with my four year old screaming in the background, and cancelling plans at the last minute because the whole family is sick with the flu.
And you. If you're reading this, then I'm grateful for you, too.
A+
And, to be honest, neither are my real life ones. *sigh*
I'm trying to analyze the situation and figure out why, and not getting very far.
It seems like my best time for social interaction is during the day, from about 11am to 1pm. That's when the one year old takes her nap and the four year old is at preschool.
That's also when everyone else I know is working.
Once we get to late afternoon/early evening, there's the dinner-playtime-bathtime-stories-bedtime rush for those of us with kids. Not the ideal time for either going out or talking on the phone. Actually, anytime the four year old is awake and home is not a good time for talking on the phone. And being heard.
My second best time for social interaction is from 11pm to 1am. Funny, that the two times are separated from each other by exactly 12 hours. I hadn't noticed that before. Again, much easier to go online at that time, since most people, including the rest of my household, are sleeping. But online is also easier because one of my kids can wake up at a moment's notice, and want Mommy...bad if I were out with friends, but ok when I can just log off and go downstairs.
The thing is, I can come up with all kind of reasons to be online. But what's the real truth? The truth is that I often like online better than real life interaction. I'm wondering just what that means.
Part of it is that most of the time there's no visual...just text. To a word junkie like me, there's a certain beauty in that. A certain simplicity or grace. Even a kind of relief. I like being judged on my writing alone. It feels easier than being evaluated in any other way, actually, if I'm honest.
It's easy for me to make snap judgements as well. Today I was talking to someone who spelled cool as "kewl". Yikes. Instantly I thought better of the conversation. When I read "a/s/l," I immediately think, "Nope, not creative, boring."
And I'm sure I'm writing off some interesting people. At the same time, it's easy. Easy to feel superior, easy to grade someone's literacy level as "pass" or "fail" with a mere glance. Easy to decide who to write off and who might be interesting to have around.
I have met some really cool folks online. I've met some extremely smart people too. I've met people who I thought were my friends. Were they? Are they? Overall, I'm not sure. S. and I had a conversation one time where he talked about the short-lived nature of these types of friendships. At the time I thought he was wrong. Now, I'd tend to agree.
I think online creates a kind of false intimacy. People (okay...me...lol) reveal things online that they wouldn't face to face. Perhaps it's like confession, said to be good for the soul. Or perhaps it's a cheap substitute for the more solid forms of relationship building. You know, calling someone on the phone, meeting them for lunch, helping them move, listening to repeats of sad breakup stories or throwing a joint garage sale. The stuff that takes work. The stuff that seems like a huge investment, when you don't even know if the person...if the friendship...will be worth it.
But maybe the catch is that we're all worth it.
My friend P was telling me about this social theory she was reading about. In a nutshell, the idea is that most relationships are built on one person being up (more than) and one person being down (less than). When you're the one who is "up", you feel very comfortable with your friend but less interested in or excited about them. When you're down, you find your friend fascinating, but are never quite sure if you measure up. You're trying too hard.
I find elements of truth in the theory, but it's depressing as hell. Maybe the absolute truth is that we all are more equal than we believe ourselves to be. This can be both good and bad news, I guess.
I don't have the answers, but I'm living in the question for now.
I will say that I'm glad to have the friends that I do have in my life. The ones that put up with me IMing them at 12am, calling on the phone with my four year old screaming in the background, and cancelling plans at the last minute because the whole family is sick with the flu.
And you. If you're reading this, then I'm grateful for you, too.
A+