falcongrrl

The feeling internally is as if the person walked up to me and said something along the lines of, "Hi, I'm $name, and I'm going to be your punching bag for the day. Feel free to be as snide and intellectually superior as you like. I have no business contacting you, and thus you are not responsible at all for how you treat me. C'mon, I know you have some aggression you'd really like to get out right now. Go for it. Hit me with your best shot. And because I contacted you, feel free to publicize my idiocy to all of your friends so they can get a good laugh too, and see how smart you are."

It's...mmmm...tempting in a way of appealing to the very worst side of my nature, and it's hard for me to turn away from it. But inside, during and afterwards, I do feel icky. And there's a small part of me saying, "Don't do this. Stop, please, just stop."

So obviously I have issues around this. I've blocked anyone not on my contact list, for now, and actually I have yahoo set not to automatically log-on when I start up Trillian. (Apologies to those of you I connect with in that way.) But it's mostly not them I'm battling, but my own emotional responses to them. I can't politely just say go away, and that's something I don't understand. 'Cause my own thing I'm doing is as futile as theirs, if not more so.