This time it's not Kyle.

I don't know why I do this; circuit_four, it makes me feel a little bit like you with the trolls when I do, tilting at windmills. And yet, I just want to make them think, or be honest, with me or with themselves. Gah.

What i don't know is why i feel this wild rush of aggression right now, just like, "Stop. Being. Stupid."

Reaching out for connection is normal. It's human. But not like this. I've got to get better about not wasting my time with this, though...although, if it's the only way I'll let my aggressive side out to play, I guess it's better than a lot of the alternatives.

***

chiaman1974: hi
*** Auto-response sent to chiaman1974: I am currently away from the computer.

calbrit648: Hi there. Do you have a lot of chia pets or something?

chiaman1974: nope...lol ur funny

calbrit648: Thank you.
calbrit648: Then what does the name mean, just out of curiosity?

chiaman1974: just charles i am a man lol silly i know

calbrit648: Is it, "Charles, I am a man!" as if he were in doubt, or is it "Charles I am...a man..." kind of like poetry.

chiaman1974: lol ur funny

calbrit648: *curtsies proudly* Thanks again. So, what brings you to my little corner of the world today, Charles?

chiaman1974: just wanted to wish you a happy new yr...
chiaman1974: and know a lil bit more of you

calbrit648: Thank you. Have we met before, either online or in person, or is this the first time I have the pleasure of making your acquaintance?

chiaman1974: wow such a words...first time
chiaman1974: u are so poetic

calbrit648: So since we don't know each other at all...may I ask why you've chosen to IM me? I only ask because sometimes people don't realize that I am married, even though it is on my profile.

chiaman1974: well ur profile is real so i hope u are real too...thats all
chiaman1974: i am not here to bother u
chiaman1974: just would like to chat thats all

calbrit648: What did you want to chat about?

chiaman1974: what do you do for living for example

calbrit648: I'm a mom and I volunteer at my kids' after school center.
calbrit648: I don't have a paying job. What do you do?

chiaman1974: i am an architect, work for a big company, just chillin now, we ae slow, how old are u?

calbrit648: Older than you, if 1974 is your age. You're the same age as my little cousin.

chiaman1974: cool...
chiaman1974: if my age is a problem let me know..yes 33 here
chiaman1974: hello
chiaman1974: i guess its a sign for me to go away, i dont want to bother u

calbrit648: You're not bothering me, but I do feel kind of sad, because I don't know what impulse drives someone to IM someone they don't know out of the blue.
calbrit648: I imagine that you are very lonely.

chiaman1974: not very but yes my life sucks in that matter...
chiaman1974: i feel lonely sometimes...u
chiaman1974: well u are happily married so i know u are ok

calbrit648: I am. I am happily married, and I have really good friends. What do you think is keeping you from developing more of a social network? Is it lack of time? Shyness?

chiaman1974: communication...
chiaman1974: do u have a picture

calbrit648: Why?

chiaman1974: i would like to see who am i talking thats all

calbrit648: Do you work in a cubicle?

chiaman1974: no why
chiaman1974: i have my own office

calbrit648: *nods* If you get up, and walk out of your office, and down the hall...where would you end up going?

chiaman1974: why is taking u too long to answer

calbrit648: Because I'm also parenting two kids and having another online conversation with a friend i know in real time.

chiaman1974: ok sorry...i can stop if u want, to answer to your question would be to other offices...why do u ask

calbrit648: Is anyone else in those offices?
calbrit648: Or are you alone in the building?

chiaman1974: there are other ppl in the office but nobody in my office...nobody can see me chatting...why so concern?

calbrit648: Because if there are other people...and what you want is to see the person with whom you're chatting...you can walk down the corridor and start a conversation with anyone. What are you hoping to find here that you can't get there?

chiaman1974: somebody not fake and real and not looking at me cuz i am the boss...can i see ur pic or not? just tell me and i promise i will go away

calbrit648: Hon...I am real. But if i weren't - if I were a balding, fat, sixty-year-old man...or a twelve-year-old boy laughing at you...I could put up any picture I wanted. Pictures aren't facts. If it's something you use to convince yourself, that's fine. But i think you have to ask why.
calbrit648: I have to wonder if I'm an object you can imagine is...well, beautiful, I guess...and woo, and why that gives you some sort of satisfaction. If you're imagining me as some kind of horny housewife like actresses on soap operas portray. The reality is that I'm a 36 year old woman with kids who's just online to chat with some close friends.

chiaman1974: ok sorry

calbrit648: I'm not asking for an apology. I'm asking you to ask yourself what you're *doing*, and why this could possibly be gratifying? And if you know that, I wish you'd tell me.
calbrit648: Because I'm genuinely curious. I don't understand.