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explanation of sorts
Aug. 23rd, 2008 09:33 amI think some of it is probably related to my grandma's death, however distantly, but yesterday I was just feeling really sad about the fact that I have a bunch of people I love who are so far from me, and I lack the means to be able to drop everything and go see them, even when I really want to. Some of you are my chosen family, and that means I'd like to be able to be there...for weddings and funerals, or just to babysit when you can't find someone, or to hold you when you're feeling down, or to meet for coffee and just talk face to face.
The reality is that it's not solely finances that prevent me from being able to do that (though finances are part of it, don't get me wrong) - it's also just being present for Dave and the kids and the temple and my friends here...being grounded in place, this place where I find myself now. Being grounded in the present.
So I haven't found a way of reconciling these two things. And now that I think of it, it probably also hearkens back to being thirteen years old, and crying in my bed at night because I missed my mom, and there was no way to live with her without leaving my dad. And I couldn't do that either.
I don't mean this as harping on the past or being a victim...if I had been a different sort of kid, I could have negotiated a different situation. But I wasn't and I didn't. It's because of parental choices as well as my own that things worked out the way they did.
But sometimes, I'm overwhelmed by the mixture of love and distance. And when that happens, I just have to let myself cry for a while. It's beautiful and painful. It exists. And there's no easy solution.
The reality is that it's not solely finances that prevent me from being able to do that (though finances are part of it, don't get me wrong) - it's also just being present for Dave and the kids and the temple and my friends here...being grounded in place, this place where I find myself now. Being grounded in the present.
So I haven't found a way of reconciling these two things. And now that I think of it, it probably also hearkens back to being thirteen years old, and crying in my bed at night because I missed my mom, and there was no way to live with her without leaving my dad. And I couldn't do that either.
I don't mean this as harping on the past or being a victim...if I had been a different sort of kid, I could have negotiated a different situation. But I wasn't and I didn't. It's because of parental choices as well as my own that things worked out the way they did.
But sometimes, I'm overwhelmed by the mixture of love and distance. And when that happens, I just have to let myself cry for a while. It's beautiful and painful. It exists. And there's no easy solution.