Claire-ification
Dec. 3rd, 2004 01:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
falcongrrlWhen I was with my pagan group that was working through Starhawk's Twelve Wild Swans, we completed an interesting exercise from the book.
We were supposed to think about who we are when we get into a very vengeful, angry place. Then we were to develop an alter-ego who represented us while in that state.
Mine was very superhero-ish. I named her, "Claire, the cleverly contemptuous crusader."
Long but apt.
At our next meeting, we dressed, spoke, and interacted as our dark sides would. I was dressed in a cape and boots, with a sword of truth (fake, borrowed from the then three-year-old after much cajoling) at my hip or brandished into the air, ready to explain to any and every one assembled why I was right and they were...well...wrong. Ready to protect the patronized as well as enlighten the ignorant.
It was actually kind of fun. To name it, to be it, openly, for a little while. And as a side benefit, whenever I started acting out of that place later, members of my group would bust me by smiling and saying, "Hello Claire." (Whose name, incidentally, refers to clarity. Claire likes to make things especially clear for you.)
Claire's still around. She pops out at odd moments, when I least expect her.
When I named Claire, before that meeting a couple of years ago, I thought of her as working mostly on others' behalf. For the longest time, that is when she visited me. When someone was, in the grade school lexicon, 'being mean to my friend'. I'd leap forth, metaphorically with the, "Don't worry; I'll save you!" springing forth from my lips as I rushed to do battle with my poor friend's perceived foe.
I think it started when I was 10, and I thought this boy was being mean to my cousin, and told him right off. (It turns out they actually liked each other. Go figure.)
So, Claire has a long history. Sometimes she gets it right; sometimes she gets it wrong. But it's only recently that she's started showing up and defending me, Peregrine.
Sometimes I think this might be an improvement. It definitely seems more mentally healthy to, well, care about if I'm being treated fairly or not, to care about the kinds of people with whom I surround myself. (Not to mention to let my friends learn to fight their own battles.) There are times when Claire is the 'good guy' acting on my behalf, times when she protects me from the emotional vampires, warns me away from friendships that would be toxic to me.
And then there are the times when I'm feeling sad and small. When I'm feeling like no one likes or loves me anymore. Times like yesterday.
When Claire comes then, there is absolutely nothing anyone can say that's right. Everything's an insult. Everything is wrong. And she will take her metaphorical sword (which tends to be her mouth, in Claire's case), and slice right through anything appearing to be patronizing, or bullshit, or both. Which, in this state, is pretty much everything.
It's almost exhilarating, to feel that rightly victimized and that pissed off. It's the kind of feeling, I would imagine, you see with little boys and grown men right before they get into a physical fight, fists up, chests heaving.
Later, when the smoke clears, I just feel wrong. Regular me says, "What just happened here?"
And then I feel even more alone, because I've just alienated someone who might really have been my friend. Or perhaps not; sometimes Claire's right about that. But either way I've overreacted.
One of these days I'll learn how to be wisely angry. How to look at a situation objectively, how not to take offense when it's not called for, or how (conversely) to take offense rationally and calmly when it is called for.
Until then, Claire will occasionally surface. In this lj and elsewhere. If you can learn to tolerate her, she does have her own quirky charm. And sometimes she fights with you, and then...right or wrong...you are unstoppable.
In case anyone's wondering, this is an apology of sorts.
A+
We were supposed to think about who we are when we get into a very vengeful, angry place. Then we were to develop an alter-ego who represented us while in that state.
Mine was very superhero-ish. I named her, "Claire, the cleverly contemptuous crusader."
Long but apt.
At our next meeting, we dressed, spoke, and interacted as our dark sides would. I was dressed in a cape and boots, with a sword of truth (fake, borrowed from the then three-year-old after much cajoling) at my hip or brandished into the air, ready to explain to any and every one assembled why I was right and they were...well...wrong. Ready to protect the patronized as well as enlighten the ignorant.
It was actually kind of fun. To name it, to be it, openly, for a little while. And as a side benefit, whenever I started acting out of that place later, members of my group would bust me by smiling and saying, "Hello Claire." (Whose name, incidentally, refers to clarity. Claire likes to make things especially clear for you.)
Claire's still around. She pops out at odd moments, when I least expect her.
When I named Claire, before that meeting a couple of years ago, I thought of her as working mostly on others' behalf. For the longest time, that is when she visited me. When someone was, in the grade school lexicon, 'being mean to my friend'. I'd leap forth, metaphorically with the, "Don't worry; I'll save you!" springing forth from my lips as I rushed to do battle with my poor friend's perceived foe.
I think it started when I was 10, and I thought this boy was being mean to my cousin, and told him right off. (It turns out they actually liked each other. Go figure.)
So, Claire has a long history. Sometimes she gets it right; sometimes she gets it wrong. But it's only recently that she's started showing up and defending me, Peregrine.
Sometimes I think this might be an improvement. It definitely seems more mentally healthy to, well, care about if I'm being treated fairly or not, to care about the kinds of people with whom I surround myself. (Not to mention to let my friends learn to fight their own battles.) There are times when Claire is the 'good guy' acting on my behalf, times when she protects me from the emotional vampires, warns me away from friendships that would be toxic to me.
And then there are the times when I'm feeling sad and small. When I'm feeling like no one likes or loves me anymore. Times like yesterday.
When Claire comes then, there is absolutely nothing anyone can say that's right. Everything's an insult. Everything is wrong. And she will take her metaphorical sword (which tends to be her mouth, in Claire's case), and slice right through anything appearing to be patronizing, or bullshit, or both. Which, in this state, is pretty much everything.
It's almost exhilarating, to feel that rightly victimized and that pissed off. It's the kind of feeling, I would imagine, you see with little boys and grown men right before they get into a physical fight, fists up, chests heaving.
Later, when the smoke clears, I just feel wrong. Regular me says, "What just happened here?"
And then I feel even more alone, because I've just alienated someone who might really have been my friend. Or perhaps not; sometimes Claire's right about that. But either way I've overreacted.
One of these days I'll learn how to be wisely angry. How to look at a situation objectively, how not to take offense when it's not called for, or how (conversely) to take offense rationally and calmly when it is called for.
Until then, Claire will occasionally surface. In this lj and elsewhere. If you can learn to tolerate her, she does have her own quirky charm. And sometimes she fights with you, and then...right or wrong...you are unstoppable.
In case anyone's wondering, this is an apology of sorts.
A+
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(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-04 12:26 am (UTC)I don't know whether I've ever encountered your Claire, but I'm glad you've made a point of mentioning it so if we ever get in a disagreement and angry words are exchanged, I'll know not to think 'This is the way you really think' but 'She's upset, give her time to calm down and then ask her again what's up'. Which isn't a bad thing in general.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-04 01:16 am (UTC)Thanks for understanding so well, always. :-D