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Jan. 31st, 2008 09:04 amDaily OM is reading my mind again...
( Read more... )
Yesterday I wrote a very emotional, dark post to a pretty tight filter of people...rethought it, felt hugely exposed, and so made the entry private. I mention it here just in case you saw it and then didn't see it and wondered what was going on. It's not some sort of personal exclusion; no one can see it now.
The upshot of it was that I'm struggling even more with mental health issues - depression and anxiety, most likely, though I've also (and those of you who know me well know this is not a recent concern) wondered if some of the anxiety is more of a manic state, if I could have bipolar II, which is possible given my family history.
Yesterday I was really mentally beating up on myself. Those of you who do it know what I'm talking about. Those of you who don't...be glad. Anyway, today I'm in a different place. The 'cheerleader' mental voice and the hardcore 'beat the shit out of myself' mental voice seem to have merged into some sort of...marine? *wan smile*
The result is not nearly as alarming as it might sound. It's more like, you *will* get up and you *will* go in there and you *will* get the kids ready for school...and you *will* talk with Bill and a psychiatrist and if you don't have the money to pay for it, then you *will* get a job and you *will* find a way to make this work, because *godDAMNit*, you do not have to spend your whole life miserable and fucked up and you *will* not. You know better; there are things you can do and you *will* damn well do them. Get started.
No, these aren't actual out-loud voices...I'm not to THAT place...they're more like trains of thought.
My friend L's former sister-in-law, who has a chronic illness (other than depression) and lives in constant physical pain...tried to kill herself yesterday. So L's at the hospital, and I'm covering at playschool. And I don't want to go, but I will, because I don't want to do many things right now, and this is without a doubt The Right Thing to Do.
I think about her pain, and it's not so much in the headspace of 'see how you're wallowing in your own misery while people with real shit to deal with are suffering,' no, I can go there...but what it feels more like is, this is the pain we have, as humans...this is the suffering we all experience...it sucks, and it is hard, and do what you can to make it better, and know (no) you can't fix it, but you can do what you can.
Not an extremely cheery manifesto...but right now, I'll take it.
( Read more... )
Yesterday I wrote a very emotional, dark post to a pretty tight filter of people...rethought it, felt hugely exposed, and so made the entry private. I mention it here just in case you saw it and then didn't see it and wondered what was going on. It's not some sort of personal exclusion; no one can see it now.
The upshot of it was that I'm struggling even more with mental health issues - depression and anxiety, most likely, though I've also (and those of you who know me well know this is not a recent concern) wondered if some of the anxiety is more of a manic state, if I could have bipolar II, which is possible given my family history.
Yesterday I was really mentally beating up on myself. Those of you who do it know what I'm talking about. Those of you who don't...be glad. Anyway, today I'm in a different place. The 'cheerleader' mental voice and the hardcore 'beat the shit out of myself' mental voice seem to have merged into some sort of...marine? *wan smile*
The result is not nearly as alarming as it might sound. It's more like, you *will* get up and you *will* go in there and you *will* get the kids ready for school...and you *will* talk with Bill and a psychiatrist and if you don't have the money to pay for it, then you *will* get a job and you *will* find a way to make this work, because *godDAMNit*, you do not have to spend your whole life miserable and fucked up and you *will* not. You know better; there are things you can do and you *will* damn well do them. Get started.
No, these aren't actual out-loud voices...I'm not to THAT place...they're more like trains of thought.
My friend L's former sister-in-law, who has a chronic illness (other than depression) and lives in constant physical pain...tried to kill herself yesterday. So L's at the hospital, and I'm covering at playschool. And I don't want to go, but I will, because I don't want to do many things right now, and this is without a doubt The Right Thing to Do.
I think about her pain, and it's not so much in the headspace of 'see how you're wallowing in your own misery while people with real shit to deal with are suffering,' no, I can go there...but what it feels more like is, this is the pain we have, as humans...this is the suffering we all experience...it sucks, and it is hard, and do what you can to make it better, and know (no) you can't fix it, but you can do what you can.
Not an extremely cheery manifesto...but right now, I'll take it.