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Jan. 31st, 2008 09:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
falcongrrlDaily OM is reading my mind again...
January 31, 2008
Not Alone In The Dark
Looking At What We Don’t Want To See
It is one of life's great paradoxes that the things we don't want to look at in ourselves are the very things we need to look at in order to know ourselves better and to become more fully who we are. The feelings that make us want to run away are buried treasure full of energy and inspiration if we are willing to look. These feelings come in many forms, from strange images or snippets of information to recurring dreams and feelings that rise up seemingly without a reason. Whatever shape they come in, and no matter how scary they seem, these messengers bring the information we need in order to grow.
When we are tired of pushing something down, or trying to run away from it, a good first step is to write down what we think we are avoiding. Often this turns out to be only the surface of the issue or a symbol of something else. Expressing ourselves fully on paper is a safe way to begin exploring the murky territory of the unconscious. The coolness of the intellect can give us the distance we need to read what we have written and feel less afraid of it. It helps if we remember that no matter how dark or negative our thoughts or feelings may be, these are energies shared by all humanity. We are not alone in the dark, and all the gurus and teachers we admire had to go through their own unprocessed emotional territory in order to come out the other side brighter and wiser. This can give us the courage we need to open the treasure chest of what we have been avoiding.
Within the parts of ourselves that we don't want to look at, there are emotions that need to be felt. Unfelt emotions are stuck energy, and when we leave emotions unprocessed, we deprive ourselves of access to that energy. When we feel strong enough, we can begin the process of feeling those emotions, on our own or with guidance from a spiritual counselor. It is through this work that the buried treasure of energy and inspiration will pour forth from our hearts, giving us the courage to look at all the parts of ourselves with insight and compassion.
Yesterday I wrote a very emotional, dark post to a pretty tight filter of people...rethought it, felt hugely exposed, and so made the entry private. I mention it here just in case you saw it and then didn't see it and wondered what was going on. It's not some sort of personal exclusion; no one can see it now.
The upshot of it was that I'm struggling even more with mental health issues - depression and anxiety, most likely, though I've also (and those of you who know me well know this is not a recent concern) wondered if some of the anxiety is more of a manic state, if I could have bipolar II, which is possible given my family history.
Yesterday I was really mentally beating up on myself. Those of you who do it know what I'm talking about. Those of you who don't...be glad. Anyway, today I'm in a different place. The 'cheerleader' mental voice and the hardcore 'beat the shit out of myself' mental voice seem to have merged into some sort of...marine? *wan smile*
The result is not nearly as alarming as it might sound. It's more like, you *will* get up and you *will* go in there and you *will* get the kids ready for school...and you *will* talk with Bill and a psychiatrist and if you don't have the money to pay for it, then you *will* get a job and you *will* find a way to make this work, because *godDAMNit*, you do not have to spend your whole life miserable and fucked up and you *will* not. You know better; there are things you can do and you *will* damn well do them. Get started.
No, these aren't actual out-loud voices...I'm not to THAT place...they're more like trains of thought.
My friend L's former sister-in-law, who has a chronic illness (other than depression) and lives in constant physical pain...tried to kill herself yesterday. So L's at the hospital, and I'm covering at playschool. And I don't want to go, but I will, because I don't want to do many things right now, and this is without a doubt The Right Thing to Do.
I think about her pain, and it's not so much in the headspace of 'see how you're wallowing in your own misery while people with real shit to deal with are suffering,' no, I can go there...but what it feels more like is, this is the pain we have, as humans...this is the suffering we all experience...it sucks, and it is hard, and do what you can to make it better, and know (no) you can't fix it, but you can do what you can.
Not an extremely cheery manifesto...but right now, I'll take it.
January 31, 2008
Not Alone In The Dark
Looking At What We Don’t Want To See
It is one of life's great paradoxes that the things we don't want to look at in ourselves are the very things we need to look at in order to know ourselves better and to become more fully who we are. The feelings that make us want to run away are buried treasure full of energy and inspiration if we are willing to look. These feelings come in many forms, from strange images or snippets of information to recurring dreams and feelings that rise up seemingly without a reason. Whatever shape they come in, and no matter how scary they seem, these messengers bring the information we need in order to grow.
When we are tired of pushing something down, or trying to run away from it, a good first step is to write down what we think we are avoiding. Often this turns out to be only the surface of the issue or a symbol of something else. Expressing ourselves fully on paper is a safe way to begin exploring the murky territory of the unconscious. The coolness of the intellect can give us the distance we need to read what we have written and feel less afraid of it. It helps if we remember that no matter how dark or negative our thoughts or feelings may be, these are energies shared by all humanity. We are not alone in the dark, and all the gurus and teachers we admire had to go through their own unprocessed emotional territory in order to come out the other side brighter and wiser. This can give us the courage we need to open the treasure chest of what we have been avoiding.
Within the parts of ourselves that we don't want to look at, there are emotions that need to be felt. Unfelt emotions are stuck energy, and when we leave emotions unprocessed, we deprive ourselves of access to that energy. When we feel strong enough, we can begin the process of feeling those emotions, on our own or with guidance from a spiritual counselor. It is through this work that the buried treasure of energy and inspiration will pour forth from our hearts, giving us the courage to look at all the parts of ourselves with insight and compassion.
Yesterday I wrote a very emotional, dark post to a pretty tight filter of people...rethought it, felt hugely exposed, and so made the entry private. I mention it here just in case you saw it and then didn't see it and wondered what was going on. It's not some sort of personal exclusion; no one can see it now.
The upshot of it was that I'm struggling even more with mental health issues - depression and anxiety, most likely, though I've also (and those of you who know me well know this is not a recent concern) wondered if some of the anxiety is more of a manic state, if I could have bipolar II, which is possible given my family history.
Yesterday I was really mentally beating up on myself. Those of you who do it know what I'm talking about. Those of you who don't...be glad. Anyway, today I'm in a different place. The 'cheerleader' mental voice and the hardcore 'beat the shit out of myself' mental voice seem to have merged into some sort of...marine? *wan smile*
The result is not nearly as alarming as it might sound. It's more like, you *will* get up and you *will* go in there and you *will* get the kids ready for school...and you *will* talk with Bill and a psychiatrist and if you don't have the money to pay for it, then you *will* get a job and you *will* find a way to make this work, because *godDAMNit*, you do not have to spend your whole life miserable and fucked up and you *will* not. You know better; there are things you can do and you *will* damn well do them. Get started.
No, these aren't actual out-loud voices...I'm not to THAT place...they're more like trains of thought.
My friend L's former sister-in-law, who has a chronic illness (other than depression) and lives in constant physical pain...tried to kill herself yesterday. So L's at the hospital, and I'm covering at playschool. And I don't want to go, but I will, because I don't want to do many things right now, and this is without a doubt The Right Thing to Do.
I think about her pain, and it's not so much in the headspace of 'see how you're wallowing in your own misery while people with real shit to deal with are suffering,' no, I can go there...but what it feels more like is, this is the pain we have, as humans...this is the suffering we all experience...it sucks, and it is hard, and do what you can to make it better, and know (no) you can't fix it, but you can do what you can.
Not an extremely cheery manifesto...but right now, I'll take it.
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(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-31 02:29 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-01 02:10 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-31 02:51 pm (UTC)Seriously, DailyOm is right on the money, and I'm glad you're finding a way to get through what you need to do.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-01 02:11 pm (UTC)Made appointments today.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-31 02:54 pm (UTC)For me, the key to daily functioning is just...no excuses. That means thoughts and actions. When my head starts to go off on what I call the Pity Me I'm Depressed binge, it has to stop in its tracks.
It feels mean, it feels cruel, but the truth is, it's also the kindest thing you can do for yourself.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-01 02:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-01 02:51 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-31 04:03 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-01 02:12 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-31 04:45 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-01 02:12 pm (UTC)(meeps softly)
Date: 2008-01-31 11:27 pm (UTC)My best hopes and prayers go with you hon. You have a very hard life right now...yes, a giant rat isn't hard to kill...escept if you're using a plastic spoon for eating yogurt to do it in. (I don't mean to denigate your resources, just trying to use a humorous, less martial metaphor than I might. More like think of yourself under a very heavy, unusual debuff...and no cure spells in sight. (offered hug))
Re: (meeps softly)
Date: 2008-02-01 01:15 am (UTC)I'm not at the most stable point right now, that much is true. But I really feel like I can't give up on myself...even though I'm not entirely sure what that *looks* like.
(smiles) "roll d20 vs. despair...."
Date: 2008-02-01 02:44 am (UTC)Re: (smiles) "roll d20 vs. despair...."
Date: 2008-02-01 02:22 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-01 04:08 am (UTC)Thich Nhat Hanh says, "Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.” The smiles and joy part is a bit over the top, but the basic idea is sound. They say memory is stored in our muscles , so maybe moving through certain parts of our daily routine helps us remember all the times we've functioned in a better frame of mind? For whatever the reason, it seems to help a little. As you said, you do what you can.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-01 04:26 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-01 01:43 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-01 02:22 pm (UTC)