(no subject)

[falcongrrl]

I'm in a low place today.

Lots of stuff has just been hard, both for me and people around me...and at the same time, I've been trying to decrease my meds. When I'm on the dosage I'm on, I feel really spacy, and I have trouble keeping track of everything. When I drop the dosage, I get teary and filled with self-loathing.

Right now, I hate my brain chemistry.

My word for 2008 is gentleness. Right now, I'm having trouble being gentle with anyone. Least of all myself.

I want to reach out and I don't know how to reach out or who to reach out to. Dave's dealing with a lot of his own stress. The kids just need me - I don't mind, I like being their mom - but right now I just wish I could curl up against a warm body and be comforted. There's really no one who can do that for me, despite living in a house of people, one of whom is married to me. And that's okay.

Man, I'm really feeling sorry for myself today.

eta: I was feeling really better, so much so I was forgetting to take the Zoloft. That made me think maybe I didn't need it, or at least, that I didn't need such a high dose. So that's why I started trying to taper down. And it would have worked, too, if it weren't for those meddling......oh, never mind. :-)

Comments

[momentrabbit.livejournal.com]

*Puts you to bed in your warm, quiet warren-in-your-mind, with lots of cozy blankets and pillows, a sympathetic cuddle, and a mug of hot cocoa within easy reach*

Seems to be a rough time for a lot of people right now, doesn't it.. Usually, I blame sunspots, but I think we're actually at the trough of sunspot activity right now. So I'll blame a lack of sunspots instead. :)

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

Thank you. The warren's *exactly* what I need right now. *smiles through tears*

[monkeyman.livejournal.com]

*hugs you hard* As usual, I wish I could be closer.

I'm sending my thoughts ... I only wish I could send more.

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

Thank you. *hugs you hard back*

And I have serious icon love. It's a great picture for where I am. Thanks.

[gleefulfreak.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tight* you deserve gentleness.

maybe you can talk to the dr. and find another prescription that allows you to strike a happier balance?

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

Thank you. *hugs you tight back*

I really think I need to see a psychiatrist (someone who knows a lot about psychotropic meds and can tweak things subtlely), but right now I already owe my therapist money, and we need brake work done on the car, and we have some other bills that need to be paid...so I've been putting it off. But yeah, it probably needs to be moved up on my list of priorities. :-/

[gleefulfreak.livejournal.com]

Makes sense.
In the meantime, it sounds like maybe now is not a good time to be trying to take the med thing into your own hands and decrease the levels? Spacey sucks, but teary self-loathing doesn't really sound like it's an improvement, especially if you're in a situation where everyone around you has their own stress.

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

Yeah. That makes sense, as well.

*hugs* Thank you. Objective assessment is a good thing, and obviously needed right now. :-)

[jenny_evergreen]

Meds or no meds, we all have times like that. *HUGS*

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :-) *hugs back*

[birdbard.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

OK, this may be my own silly mind, but I hope you see the irony in trying to decide between paying for your brakes or paying to see a psychiatrist...

*SMILES*

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

I don't really get it, but that's okay. :-)

[birdbard.livejournal.com]

Well, the brakes not working, run away emotions, can't stop...I guess it was a stretch...

I hope you feel better!

[magnifelyn.livejournal.com]

i would so hold you if i were nearby. Hey, it's not a great day for me either... we could hold each other.

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

I would love that. ♥

[toob.livejournal.com]

Hey, I'd hold you too!

You seem very holdable!

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

*nuzzle* Thank you.

[toob.livejournal.com]

Sometimes ya just need to feel sorry for yourself for a bit.

(meeps softly)

[tahkhleet.livejournal.com]

This morning I was listening to music while doing something, and it was Shiny Toy Guns "We are pilots" and it got to this one part of the song (title track)

"Color coated sweetness
Swords beneath my clean dress
I'm making sense of shattered dreams
Because I want you to be proud of me"

and I just got seized by sorrow so hard that I was crying before I realized it. The last line hit so hard because it echoed a bit from a Judith Marillier book I read last night where they take this noble, secondary character and send him to a dog's death because the antagonist is just a totally evil man...and he dies alone. It just convulsed me at the time because I know that's exactly how I feel. Like I've been given this task just by being alive and its hopeless. I'm going to be beaten. I'm going to die alone and none of it will ever matter.

So this song portion was like reprising and amplifying this because the part that hurts the most about this scenario is that I feel like I've fought so badly. That I've brought shame upon the bright birthright my parents gave me. That while I keep trying to fix things I'm terrified I'll fail and have to die with this shame.

But both times I did manage to remember to do things a tiny bit differently. Last night at least, I asked myself why I was crying why this hurt so much and identifying it gently...made it a shade easier to bear. And I realized "ok, I've validated the sadness, I'm admitting I feel this, but I don't need to stay here. I could, but crying longer won't add to the purity of the moment. It won't really let any more grief out. [now, mileage may vary here! but for me that's how it is. I know this in my bones] I can go on." and then I read the bit where the other main character comes and sings to the dying character (they left him badly mortally wounded but decided to have him do a Rasputin and still be alive an hour after the last arrow so that this could happen) and it happened again, and I did the same thing again...

After I rode the moment out, I said "ok, that hurts, that bruise, where can I get comfort?" and I went and killed things with May in City of Villains and it helped. I just spent a couple minutes asking for extra hugs and having my hurt acknowledged and it was...I mean, still a bit like an arm in a cast after you've broken it. sick, dull ache that doesn't go away. But it was as comfortable as it was going to get and I could function and have some pleasures anyway. And I hadn't done my normal thing which is smack these horrible feelings down with a sledgehammer "quiet DOWN, it doesn't MATTER, you SUCK ANYWAY!" I mean, I've gotten so good at that I don't even say anything in my mind, that's just the hard, dark feeling of self loathing that I use to try and get my self control back. To get all cliche-ey, "it works, but at what cost"? And it was good that I didn't use this (well, I'm not positive I can say that 100% but at the VERY LEAST I used it a LOT LESS than normal)....

Then this morning I hear that song I quoted and I improved the above response. I remember the mangled bunny rabbit metaphor. I said "yes, you're hurt. Me, the rational bit here, made choices that hurt you, my emotions, badly, and this is reminding you of that, and you're screaming in hope that I never make these mistakes again, and to punish me because I shut you up when these things happened before you were done "speaking". I am so sorry this happened. I'm sorry I blamed you for feeling the pain and slowing me down. I can't change that, but its ok. You can scream, I'm not ignoring this. But I'm going to make more mistakes if I become that scream. I need to put this aside right now. (a sort of gentle, ginger putting the thrashing bunny down in a soft nest). But yes, it was bad, and I'll try really hard not to let it happen again".

(yes, I know that disassociation like this isn't a good sign, but I might as well work with it constructively.)

I don't know if this will work for you. I have no idea. It might take a long time for a voice or a method of coping and healing to have credibility for you and to motivate you. but its out there somewhere, I'm sure.

Re: (meeps softly)

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

I said "yes, you're hurt. Me, the rational bit here, made choices that hurt you, my emotions, badly, and this is reminding you of that, and you're screaming in hope that I never make these mistakes again, and to punish me because I shut you up when these things happened before you were done "speaking". I am so sorry this happened. I'm sorry I blamed you for feeling the pain and slowing me down. I can't change that, but its ok. You can scream, I'm not ignoring this. But I'm going to make more mistakes if I become that scream. I need to put this aside right now. (a sort of gentle, ginger putting the thrashing bunny down in a soft nest). But yes, it was bad, and I'll try really hard not to let it happen again.

Wow. This really, really resonates with me right now. Thank you.

*breathes and tries not to scare the bunny* :-)

(offers hugs)

[tahkhleet.livejournal.com]

you're welcome. I should note, this wasn't easy, which was weird. the main reason this worked is I think REALLY fast. like, that's kind of the exploded version of the actual thought which was a lot more terse and only partly verbal. Like, with such a short effort going on it, wasn't hard in the sense of straining not to let go of a too heavy box you're carrying. it was hard in the sense of not pushing the feeling away too much...but not letting it expand to fill all available space. When I have these moments, the metaphor is like trying to wrestle with a screaming kid who's trying their damnedest to hurt YOU, and you're trying not to get hurt or do them damage as you get them pinned.

"one who wrestles with G*d and humanity and prevails"...indeed. (wan smile)

its not easy, but it may not be as hard as it sounds, and you may find your learning curve isn't too abysmal. (I find , unrelated, one of my main problems is that if something doesn't go perfectly, I don't stick with it. Because the ickiness of doing something badly totally grosses me out. But the three times in recent years I was forced to defy this on a long term basis were VERY good for me. May says that even recovering from the bruising of this week (which btw, sucked beyond the telling), I sounded happier than during the heyday of my engagement to Kirzen...so I'm not just making it up saying these things helped :)

Re: (offers hugs)

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

The thing is, when I'm silencing my emotional side...often I don't even realize I'm doing it. It's like I think I'm being comforting. "There, there, everything's okay. Everything's really okay. Things are good, really. Everything's fine." And then, eventually, my emotional side starts screaming, "Listen to me! Everything is NOT FINE! EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY!!!!"

And then my rational, adult side says, "Oh."

And then I don't know what to do for a while. :-/ Other than just sit with it, and breathe.

Annoying ain't it?

[tahkhleet.livejournal.com]

Yes. Exactly. Same thing happens with me a lot, just in general. I think I'm ok until I catch an effect and realize "ah, no, I'm not". In some ways, the really dramatic bursts of distress are a relief. They're not subtle...like the illusion of self control. (meeps mournfully)

Given how complicated and labyrinth this is, any wonders we have a hard time? (meeps softly)

Re: Annoying ain't it?

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

In some ways, the really dramatic bursts of distress are a relief. They're not subtle...like the illusion of self control.

Exactly. And oddly enough, I think that some very spiritual moments can happen when we let go of that illusion of being 'together', opening ourselves up in the process. But it's hard. The illusion of self-control is so comforting at times, and also sometimes angst feeds itself and has its own addictive element too. It's hard to know where Truth is, other than in balance and doing the best we can to care for ourselves, each other, and the world.

*hugs* Thank you, for articulating the journey so well.

[iswari.livejournal.com]

Maybe it's not a great time to decrease your meds? Do you have a psychopharmacologist? I'm not sure if you're seeing one or a GP, but GPs tend not to be very good at tweaking psychotropics. Hang in there...

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

GP - I don't have a psychiatrist or pscyopharmacologist...and I think either would be good. I do need some tweaking that I think the gp just isn't capable of, but I also don't feel like we can afford for me to go now. :-/

[beetiger.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Not in a personal space to be very articulate in support right now, but you know that I'm always here for you in whatever way I can be.

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

It's okay. I hope you feel better soon! Ear pain is no fun. :-(((

[beautyofgrey.livejournal.com]

*hugs you* I know just how you feel.

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

Thanks. *hugs*

[glashund.livejournal.com]

My brain is kind of workfried at the moment, leaving me clumsy with language, but I flood you with squeesh rays, and wish I could deliver squeesh in non-ray form.

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Me too. *hug* *bleep*

[sythyry.livejournal.com]

*hughughug*

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

*hughughugs back* Thanks, SBCL.