live or memorex, part 2

[falcongrrl]

I wrote a post on connection just a few hours ago, but now I feel endlessly alone.

Sometimes I wish I fit in more with the moms at preschool. I think about who I talk to online, and for the most part, it's a bunch of techie guys. I don't know if any of you would actually be my friend in real life. I don't know that I would ever talk with any of my real life friends online, either. I don't know if I have any friends, period. I don't know which is my 'real' life.

I'm sitting here trying to develop wishes about boneless chicken. I don't care about boneless chicken. I care about poetry, about placing my heart on the page. I care about mystery, uncovering the unknown. I care about creativity, pushing myself to learn and grow.

I don't want to settle for being ordinary, mediocre. But haven't I already?

I wish I had some wisdom. I think I think if I keep writing something will materialize, but nothing does. Just more angst for you to skip over, the way I would, if I were flipping through this on a friends page. (Who needs more of someone else's problems? Our own keep us busy enough.)

I wish that I had a niche to fit into. I wish I knew what I want to do when I grow up. I wish I still had that feeling of being popular online. I wish I could have more heartfelt conversations. I wish I could trust in something larger than myself. I wish I felt stronger. I wish I felt loved. I wish I felt well, whole, together.

Not one of my wishes, my true wishes, involve boneless fucking chicken.

I may never eat it again, just on principle.

A+

Comments

[beetiger.livejournal.com]

I'd love to get to know you better and hang out in person. I need to know some moms who still remember how to dream, not ones who want to trade tips and the local nail salons. Online hanging out is tricky sometimes -- the little guy only lets me do so much.

I understand what you are feeling totally, as I'm more or less exactly there.

*big hug*

[eloiseaparis.livejournal.com]

hahaha, i just replied in almost the exact same way!

[beetiger.livejournal.com]

Maybe I should get to know you too! :)

[eloiseaparis.livejournal.com]

you should!! consider yourself added! :)

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :-) I am thinking of going to AC, so maybe we could hang out there, help each other with childcare too.

It does help. Knowing there are more of us out there helps.

[eloiseaparis.livejournal.com]

hahaha, this post could have been written by me. even the part about abstaining from food. for the past 2 weeks i've eaten barely one meal a day, and taking a shake of protein powder and soy milk to stave off anemia .. and i feel *so* much better. food is evil (she said, slipping back into 'borderline eating disorder' mode).

i don't have a niche.
i don't fit in anywhere.
i am not at all like the school moms. dear god, i don't want to be.
i NEVER want to settle, yet here i am in the burbs, on a cul-de-sac, driving a station wagon and owning up to being a card-carrying member of the PTA. how the h*ll did i get here?

.. and the only thing that matters to me lately, besides the spawn, is my own creativity.

chin up, babe. you're not "different" you are just like me (RUN!).

we should talk more. :)

xoxo.

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

We should definitely talk more. :-)

The boneless chicken is not a reference to eating per se, it's this marketing project I'm doing on Monday. But I also have food problems (albeit kind of opposite to yours). I tend to binge on foods that are bad for me and high in sugar, which exacerbates the problem with depression. :-( I also get too little sleep (as I stay up late writing or chatting) and then drink too much coffee.

I so relate to the suburb/cul-de-sac/SUV(in my case) thing. I'm really glad to have my kids, but I sometimes wonder why there's such a huge gap between my outer and inner states.

Anyway, I'm glad you're here. *hugs*

[winnett.livejournal.com]

Mew! I understand you. I wish for so much, to feel that connection, to be a part of something, to feel I belong. Sometimes I go through such an empty, lonely phase. It settled on me last night, but my goofy friend helped pull me out of it.

But lately I really want fulfillment out of life, other than this feeling of just getting along.

Hold in there!!!

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

Yes, to feel I belong, to feel fulfilled. That's what I want too. :-)

Writing the novel was good. It gave me a creative focus. Now if I could just hang onto that, but in a less manic, more sane way.

*hugs* We'll figure it all out at some point, right?

C.

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

*big hugs*

Thanks to all of you. :-) I really do feel less alone now.

[tuftears.livejournal.com]

As far as boneless chicken goes, cut it up, dip the pieces into an egg-based batter, fry it up, and slather the pieces in some spicy, sweet sauce. Nummy!

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

The boneless chicken part is actually a reference to a marketing project I'll be doing Monday.

So I literally, truly had to generate wishes about boneless chicken last night and this morning. :-)

That does sound yummy though!! :-D

And if you're nice to me, I'll let you peek at my boneless chicken sonnet. ;-) Yes I wrote one, and no, I'm not kidding.

[tuftears.livejournal.com]

Marketing? Aiee. };) Do share your sonnet, and did you use iambic pentameter like a good falcongrrl should?

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

*grins* If I hadn't, it wouldn't be a sonnet...