live or Memorex, part 3 (not as angsty) + birthday goodness

[falcongrrl]

First of all, happy birthday to ladymerri! I so hope we are still on for tonight. :-D

D was out last night until 2am, and was the first person to leave the party, heh. :-) (I think he was the oldest person there, too.) Something called a LAN party. Mostly it's a bunch of boys sitting around playing video games on their computers. I wanted to go, actually, it sounds like my kind of fun, but this was more of a hang-out-with-the-guys thing. Which is cool with me, always. In this case, I also have my own hang-out-with-the-girls thing going on this evening. :-D

I feel slightly bad about my last post, because it ignores a lot of blessings in my life.

There is a big gap between my life online and my life offline. My online friends understand stuff like why I want to learn to code (for the sheer joy of learning, not to make money, though that would be nice perhaps) and nanowrimo. My meatspace friends understand why I'm not sure if I should wean my daughter yet and why my oldest comes to preschool dressed as Spiderman.

I get tired of feeling like I chop myself up into little pieces, only showing people the piece that I think they can deal with at any given time. Or trying to show people my other self, and just having them have no clue. Sometimes that's hard.

But I think of people who sort-of bridge both worlds...my dear ladymerri, for example, who understands all. :-D koogrr and foxmagic, who may not understand so much about kids cutting molars or a five-year-old who bursts out with "I hate my life, and it's all your fault," but they are definitely my friends, on and offline, and for that I'm grateful.

I think if the rest of you lived closer, we would hang out in real life too.

gleefulfreak said (and I'm paraphrasing, so will no doubt get it wrong) online relationships are by their very nature somewhat idealized. We present, if not our best selves, presumably a somewhat flattering piece of the whole mess. Meatspace friendships are more difficult. I know all this, and yet I think that all of you, the ones still reading *grin*, would be 'real' friends if we lived closer.

Maybe I just need to believe that. Maybe that's okay.

If there's anyone
who is in the sun
will you help me to understand?
'Cause I've been caught inbetween
all I wish for
and all I've seen.
Or maybe you're
not even sure
What it's for
any more than me.

I know I need to get back to the novel. The epilogue still needs to be written, for one thing. I was going to go back and wrap up some of the D&D story-within-a-story in the epilogue, but now I think that actually may end up to be a longer piece within the novel as a whole. I know I'm going to need to do major revisions. I'm trying to give myself time and space away from it, targeting January as the time to look at it again.

But now I'm feeling a lack of a project. I don't want to start another novel right now. I'm just...drifting a bit.

A+

Comments

[tuftears.livejournal.com]

I hate my life, and it's all your fault

Boy, that would be disconcerting to hear from your little kid, all right. Did he explain it?

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

It was in a certain context that I've forgotten, something about me not letting him do or play with something he wanted to.

But yeah, unsettling, definitely. I kept telling my friends, "I expected this at fifteen...but five??!!"