insomnia

[falcongrrl]

Can't sleep. I might as well write, but I'm having trouble writing. I can't get past the editor that wants to censor every thought. And there's too much that I want to say.

Too many dreams that will never happen. Too many lines that won't be written.

It's not that it's not fair. Life is infinitely fair, I find. It's that I want too much. It's that I want a myriad of lives wrapped up in one. It's that I want every choice imaginable. The cake. And, the cake.

Sometimes I think that I am a bad person. That if I were a good person, I'd be able to be more content with how-things-are. I don't really want to change how things are. I just want to be five people at once.

Schrodinger's cat, that's me. Maybe someplace I'm doing all the things I might want to do. And what I'm doing here isn't bad. It's just one choice.

One choice, just one.

How many selves can we have? An infinite number of selves? How many people can truly know us? I don't think there's anyone that knows all of me. I don't think there's any one who could. I wonder if each other person feels the same way. Probably not. Either because they perceive themselves as quantifiable, or because they don't necessarily need to be understood.

Maybe being understood is overrated.

I want to be someplace else right now. And it's not that it's bad, sitting here at the dining room table, listening to my iPod, fingers clickclicking against the keyboard. It's not a bad life, it's a good one. But there's a part of me that wants something more. That wants to be someplace else.

What do I want? I want to be mysterious. I want to be running along the beach in the dark. I want to be swimming in the ocean. I want to be sitting in a bar knocking back drinks.

Oh well, E's up, and this was getting stupid anyway.

Comments

[ladymerri.livejournal.com]

Not stupid at all. Never stupid. Have I mentioned you're reading my mind again??

*hugs*

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

*grins*

With a friend like you, who does understand so very much, why was I complaining again?

I can't remember.

Thanks, sweetie.

*hugs*

[birdbard.livejournal.com]

Interesting post, and certainly not stupid. I'm sure not everyone feels what you are describing, some people just skim along, making "choices", following the path of least resistance. And at the other extreme there are those that agonize over every fork in the road, worry about each path not traveled. Did I make the right choice? What if....

Life is infinite, we are finite. Or are we?! ;^)

And to be "truly known" can only ever be a snapshot, unless you stop your growth. For as soon as you are known, you are different in the next breath. To know yourself, as best as you are able, that is the real gift. For you are right, "being understood (by others) is overrated"!

That part of you that wants something more; *that* is a seed. It is the key to your muse, to your restlessness, to you tomorrow. Nurture that seed, hold it close, give it love and light and let it grow. There is no wrong you, it is *all* good, you know? You are lovable and loved, and ever so mysterious.

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

You are so full of wise goodness!!

Have I mentioned how much I like you recently? ;-)

Thanks, dear friend. I needed to hear much of this.

C.

[tuftears.livejournal.com]

*puts Peregrine in a box since she's Schroedinger's Cat*

I liked cjthomas's suggestion of a mechanism to speak with the dead: since Schroedinger's Cat is, when put into a box and given a 50% chance to be dead or alive when the box is opened, while the cat is in the box, it must be therefore on the verge of life and death, and therefore able to communicate with the dead. No?

It's a wacky mix of science and superstition. Heh.

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

*grins* Thanks for correcting my spelling; I suspected it was wrong.

What I thought is that the cat was supposed to be both alive and dead at the same time.

I was using it to refer to my wanting to play out every eventuality in my own life at once. :-) I don't know if it quite works as a metaphor, though.

Feline spiritualist does work, though. Maybe we could get a story out of it, lol.

[tuftears.livejournal.com]

It might make for a decent story at that. };) As for being Schroedinger's Cat, I got the point, so I think it works well enough!