(no subject)

[falcongrrl]

Sometimes I like dressing up - well, for a little bit, anyway - just like sometimes I like being social. I had fun putting on makeup and nail polish for Meet the Teacher (it sounds like a game show, doesn't it?), wearing my hair down (which hardly ever happens, particularly in this heat) and just in general trying to look more like a PTA mom (which oddly enough, I seem to be) and less like an androgynous geek.

But here's the thing...I am an androgynous geek. And considering I know a lot of them on the internet, I can't figure out for the life of me why there seem to be none at my kids' school. Part of it is maybe that people like me usually don't become parents...but parenting is such a huge part of my life. Probably bigger than the writing nerdy part. So in a very real sense that is who I am...the PTA mom is who I am. Scary stuff, I know. :-)

I really love being social with people I know well. But interacting with teachers (and I used to be one), with other, more traditional PTA moms...by the end of the afternoon, I was just cranky and tired and melancholy.

I fell asleep putting Daniel to bed - I think he was still talking, even - and so I'm up now at 5:30 am. I've been poking around online and staring at this empty box for a while, trying to find the words to put in it.

Sometimes...I just don't feel like I fit anywhere. I know there are people who care about me, though, and that's a good thing and I don't want to minimize it. And I also think that this feeling is probably part of the human condition, that we all get it from time to time.

But it's still 5am and I can't sleep. And I feel a little melancholy and less-than right now.

I'm not a gamer like a lot of you. I'm not a techie or a Trekkie or really part of anything fandom-related at all. Though I enjoy, say, Avatar: The Last Airbender or Harry Potter or Phineas and Ferb or Mythbusters or ST...dude, I watch these shows with my kids.

Mostly I like words and telling stories, either collaboratively or on my own. Mostly, I like baking and cooking (this last is new) and growing herbs (the legal kind) and walking my dog and reading New Age foma that I know the rest of you wouldn't touch. I love music and singing and karaoke, but I'm not a trained singer. I just like it.

I'm not normal enough to be normal and weird enough to be weird. Sometimes - maybe most of the time - I like who I am just fine.

But this morning I feel a little broken. Maybe more sleep will fix it.

Comments

[glashund]

To my regret, as is far too often the case, I have only bloops and understanding to offer. I think I've got some amount of the latter, if not of the specific circumstances, and I know I've got an assload of the former. <3

[falcongrrl]

I will take both! *hugs* Thank you.

[willidan]

There's not a thing wrong with you. A lot of people hide who they really are when they interact with others, mostly for all of the reasons you listed above. No one really gets me, except the people online and my sister, and that is enough for me. And so I don't worry about it. Sometimes I do put myself into situations where someone says something that makes me uncomfortable, but I tend to keep my distance from people like that anyway so it only bothers me for a moment and I shrug it off immediately. You're not alone, not by a long shot. And really, there's nothing wrong with who you are. Nothing at all. *hugs*

[falcongrrl]

*hugs* Thank you.

[darkemeralds]

I don't know you well, having only just started reading your journal, but I really appreciate this post and wanted to comment on it.

I often feel just the way you describe here, both online and in my work and family life: not really fannish enough for fandom, not really a REAL geek like gamers and comics people who go to cons; not quite this, nor yet quite that.

I think it really is a part of the human condition to have periods when what we notice most are the ways in which we're not like the tribe, and to feel external to it. I suspect this may be more true, more often, for introverted types than for extroverts, and (speaking for myself) it gets more acute when I've been overexposed.

I hope you feel a little more whole soon.

[falcongrrl]

Thank you for all of this, particularly that last line.

I am introverted, and summer I do tend to feel overexposed - although I am basically comfortable and happy with my kids, I really need some time all to myself each day to feel at my best.

Thank you for reminding me I'm not alone.