more on drive-by IMs

[falcongrrl]

The feeling internally is as if the person walked up to me and said something along the lines of, "Hi, I'm $name, and I'm going to be your punching bag for the day. Feel free to be as snide and intellectually superior as you like. I have no business contacting you, and thus you are not responsible at all for how you treat me. C'mon, I know you have some aggression you'd really like to get out right now. Go for it. Hit me with your best shot. And because I contacted you, feel free to publicize my idiocy to all of your friends so they can get a good laugh too, and see how smart you are."

It's...mmmm...tempting in a way of appealing to the very worst side of my nature, and it's hard for me to turn away from it. But inside, during and afterwards, I do feel icky. And there's a small part of me saying, "Don't do this. Stop, please, just stop."

So obviously I have issues around this. I've blocked anyone not on my contact list, for now, and actually I have yahoo set not to automatically log-on when I start up Trillian. (Apologies to those of you I connect with in that way.) But it's mostly not them I'm battling, but my own emotional responses to them. I can't politely just say go away, and that's something I don't understand. 'Cause my own thing I'm doing is as futile as theirs, if not more so.

Comments

(nods)

[tahkhleet.livejournal.com]

Women are socialized to be disconnected from anger. Not just from gender stereotyping but by their communication style. Women strongly tend to a rapport and consensus oriented style. Note the CONTENT of this style can still hold the full range of human motivations and dynamics. But there was a cool book examining the poitn of male vs. female style "That's not what I said" I think it was called. If you are striving to maintain rapport and consensus as your approach to your goals, anger control becomes very important.

Many of we traumatized, senstivie, smart types have lots of memories of things we struggled to get but couldn't. I think a certain resulting anxiety spills into striving to fulfill any desire at all ever again (or at least, this frequently pops up) So since managing anger is critical there's anxiety about failing to hold in anger. But a lot of stored up anger from being invalidated and pushed into the corners.

It's very good that you recognize you are being tempted to act in ways that strengthen your yetzer hara (evil inclination). And be wary of overcriticizing yourself. We are talking about a lust soaked jerk here. (at least insofar as he came up to you treating you as an object of gratification and then lying about the fact he was doing this). You were provoked. It's good to work on your side, but remember the Other has problems here too.

Re: (nods)

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

I did read the Deborah Tannen book, although it was in college (and that's been a long time ago now). And your point about socialization and disconnect from anger is well-taken (as well as the one about yetzer hara...I had a feeling you'd mention the yetzer hara! :-) ).

I don't think the issue is so much whether or not he was a jerk. The issue is how to respond (or NOT respond) to situations like this, and why it triggered such strong emotions. Not because I'm blaming myself, but because I think if I can figure it out, I can relate to people in a more honest, less clouded way.

[shaterri.livejournal.com]

For what it's worth, I always have a remarkably hard time of doing this too. I think at least some of it comes from the perception that the 'hard brush-off' is an indecent thing to do to someone -- and that all the people one encounters in daily life, even the twits, are people deserving of some measure of decency. The problem, of course, being that some people simply can't take a decent hint. I wonder if some of it, too, isn't a deep-seated fear of being disliked, even by random strangers one will never see again -- I know I definitely get a measure of that.

[gleefulfreak.livejournal.com]

I don't think that it lacks decency to simply refuse to engage with someone online. It doesn't mean that you don't see that they have inherent worth, only that engaging with them will not really accomplish anything.

Having done a few weeks of telemarketing work way back when I was a student, I am sensitized to the necessity - and genuine value - of simply saying "No thanks, not interested, wish you all the best, goodbye." It is not disrespectful or dismissive, and anyone who chooses to react negatively to it is doing so out of their own issues, not yours.

[shaterri.livejournal.com]

Oh, I agree wholeheartedly -- that's why I said 'perception'. Intellectually, you're absolutely right; unfortunately, there's this deep-seated emotional component (probably coming from the latter half) that says otherwise (or at least, that says such to me).

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

I think that definitely fits for you, shaterri. But with me, I feel like there's a part of me hoping a genuine connection will come out of it, a part hoping to just be randomly amused...and, more disturbingly, a part that just wants to smack the person down. It's the latter that I feel the need to examine a bit more closely.

[jakebe.livejournal.com]

I think it's a...respect for those issues that makes me reluctant to just brush someone off, even though there are lots of times where I feel like doing just that. If the shoe were on the other foot, and I were randomly approaching someone I found likable and interesting, I know I would feel stung if someone just told me flat out "I don't really want to talk to you, but I have no ill will."

Yeah, there are probably insecurities there, and I'm willing to admit that. But who doesn't have those? Most people who spend a significant portion of their time on the Internet, I think it's safe to say, have some kind of social anxiety. It takes a lot for some of us, even through the cover of anonymity, to get up the courage to start conversations. I have a feeling 'chiaman' was doing it mostly because his loneliness and/or boredom eventually overcame his shyness, but that might be putting too sympathetic a face on him. :)

I'm tempted to go off on a tangent about how people who look for intimacy or close relationships frequently make the mistake of equating sex (even cyber-) with openness, but I'll just mention that in passing here. Randomly trolling people for cyber is kinda creepy, but I think the base impulse might be a genuine desire to connect...which would make me think twice about just writing him off as some creep.

I think I understand your apprehension, Peregrine. There comes a point, however, where you have to just let someone down easy, and it's always difficult to do. For someone as sensitive as you are, it's hard to risk hurting someone's feelings, or not feel guilty later if you think you might have. For what it's worth, I think you handled the situation pretty well, and nothing you said in there was mean.

-J

[gleefulfreak.livejournal.com]

If the shoe were on the other foot, and I were randomly approaching someone I found likable and interesting, I know I would feel stung if someone just told me flat out "I don't really want to talk to you, but I have no ill will."

Ok, but this isn't a case of approaching someone you find likeable and interesting. This, as far as I understand the situation in question, is a case of a person randomly approaching someone they have no clue about, probably just based on their gender and age.

I hope it's clear that I'm not advocating saying "I don't really want to talk to you" to someone who genuinely makes an effort to connect with someone likeable and interesting. That's another scenario entirely, in my mind.

Nor do I mean to suggest that someone should be written off as a creep just because I don't want to interact with them right now. I do feel that there is an important difference between the person and the action. While I may find the act to be thoughtless or intrusive, that doesn't mean I think the person is thoughtless or intrusive. Only that right now they are acting that way, and the frame of mind causing them to act that way is one with which it won't do much good for me to try to engage. Maybe tomorrow they will stop it and engage more fully and honestly with the world and become a dear friend.

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

*nods* While I really enjoyed jakebe's comments, I agree with gleefulfreak that the two situations are different (and this was someone approaching me based upon info in my profile at best, which is basically age/gender/I'm happily married, at least if I remember correctly).

I think the main thing, for me, is that the request for a picture was a huge trigger that just pissed me right off, and I'm not sure why. I did think the person was thoughtless, intrusive, and worthy of being a target at that point. And I think that says more about issues I need to work on than about the random person.

[axonfuel.livejournal.com]

You are an eminently moral person and a breath of fresh air in a world where rhetorical might makes right.