Letting Go
Aug. 8th, 2007 03:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
falcongrrlMy dog when I was a child was this giant white chihuahua (well, relatively speaking, breed-wise) with a tan stripe down her back. She was a constant nervous bundle of energy that had a rather ocd-like habit of licking her nose. She was friendly and jumpy and quirky. She was kind of like me.
When severe thunderstorms came (and here in central FL they do, with clockwork daily regularity), she would tuck her tail between her legs and run under the nearest bed, huddling there and shaking.
When relationship fears strike, when I'm convinced none of my friends or family or my partner love me anymore...then I go to that place. That trembling, hiding place. And if someone tries to pull me out from under there, the impulse is to growl and threaten to bite their hand off. It all feels just that scary, and I both want and don't want to be left the fuck alone.
Why am i writing this? Because lately I've been in that place too often, and I want to feel compassion for myself. My dog couldn't help that she did that - she just did. She was scared. Sometimes it's okay to be scared. Sometimes it's okay to hide away from the world. And mostly, what I need is a lap to sit on, while I'm shaking...mostly I need to allow someone to pet me. But there are times when I can't manage that, or other people can't manage it - and that's okay too.
When severe thunderstorms came (and here in central FL they do, with clockwork daily regularity), she would tuck her tail between her legs and run under the nearest bed, huddling there and shaking.
When relationship fears strike, when I'm convinced none of my friends or family or my partner love me anymore...then I go to that place. That trembling, hiding place. And if someone tries to pull me out from under there, the impulse is to growl and threaten to bite their hand off. It all feels just that scary, and I both want and don't want to be left the fuck alone.
Why am i writing this? Because lately I've been in that place too often, and I want to feel compassion for myself. My dog couldn't help that she did that - she just did. She was scared. Sometimes it's okay to be scared. Sometimes it's okay to hide away from the world. And mostly, what I need is a lap to sit on, while I'm shaking...mostly I need to allow someone to pet me. But there are times when I can't manage that, or other people can't manage it - and that's okay too.
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(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-09 06:31 am (UTC)i know these questions are semi-rhetorical, but they're deeply important to me. It can be difficult to balance a nature that longs to be completely free in loving, with the necessity for discernment and some reservedness. Because we don't want to become jaded and fearful, shielding ourselves from all risk and possibility. But there is, i believe, great value in being careful with one's own heart...
Knowing your own depth and your capacity to love easily and fully... it is important to honor yourself by choosing with great care, how much trust you will bestow upon any person. my own personal answer to the second question... the solution for me is... i do not bare my soul to just anyone. i know i cannot. And i believe it's fitting and proper to pick and choose.
That said, i personally throw my heart open wider than many are comfortable doing, i think. And why? Because... i very seriously accept that i will experience more pain. Occasionally, gut-wrenching, tearing pain. i accept this, because i like who i am when i'm openly adoring... and closing to protect myself too much, would cast a shadow over me always.
So. i know you didn't really ask for answers here, but i just felt compelled to give some response. i only hope i have not offended...
Also... i'm glad you'll try not to bark or bite. Because i would enjoy the chance to pet you and see you comforted. :-)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-09 10:38 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-09 11:51 am (UTC)Thank you both for sharing these words, hearing them opens me to being more.
Namaste,
Bird