Letting Go

[falcongrrl]

My dog when I was a child was this giant white chihuahua (well, relatively speaking, breed-wise) with a tan stripe down her back. She was a constant nervous bundle of energy that had a rather ocd-like habit of licking her nose. She was friendly and jumpy and quirky. She was kind of like me.

When severe thunderstorms came (and here in central FL they do, with clockwork daily regularity), she would tuck her tail between her legs and run under the nearest bed, huddling there and shaking.

When relationship fears strike, when I'm convinced none of my friends or family or my partner love me anymore...then I go to that place. That trembling, hiding place. And if someone tries to pull me out from under there, the impulse is to growl and threaten to bite their hand off. It all feels just that scary, and I both want and don't want to be left the fuck alone.

Why am i writing this? Because lately I've been in that place too often, and I want to feel compassion for myself. My dog couldn't help that she did that - she just did. She was scared. Sometimes it's okay to be scared. Sometimes it's okay to hide away from the world. And mostly, what I need is a lap to sit on, while I'm shaking...mostly I need to allow someone to pet me. But there are times when I can't manage that, or other people can't manage it - and that's okay too.

Comments

[magnifelyn.livejournal.com]

i, too, sometimes feel unloved and afraid.

i find it interesting, though, that you and i are different in how we react to that. Rather than retreating and wanting to be left alone... i seek out the petting. i get hurty and pouty, and i say things that reflect how alone and unwanted i feel. And all i want is petting, petting, and more petting, so i can calm my fears and start feeling better.

And when someone near me is feeling unloved, my gut instinct is to offer the petting, the reassurance, generously. If they bark at me to stay away, i feel kind of lost.

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

I probably didn't explain it well. I do the pouty thing too, and the please pet me thing. I think the running under the bed comes after that, if I don't get any takers. *wan grin*

What happened today (one of the things) is that a friend told me some unbelievably nice things yesterday. She wanted me to reciprocate by 'saying off the top of my head what I think of her.' I can't do that out loud, but i told her I would write her an email. So I wrote this very long, very rambling letter about that late last night, filled with how much I like her - and now it feels like she's backing away from me. She had asked me to go to the beach and now cancelled on that. I don't know if it's because of what I wrote or not.

I actually have thought about you a lot in connection with that. Kind of like, magnifelyn, how do we keep living with our hearts thrown wide open and survive it? How do we bare our souls to any and everyone, repeatedly, without feeling the fool? These are mostly-rhetorical questions, but in part it's what triggered the reaction.

That and our finances are teh suck here, and every time I think about it, i swear my heart starts palpitating. I know I need to face up to it, and make a plan, but I keep shying away from it.

I will try not to bark or bite. :-) That side of me comes out when I'm convinced that everyone will leave me or has already left. Proving me wrong, or just gently empathizing, usually helps.

[magnifelyn.livejournal.com]

how do we keep living with our hearts thrown wide open and survive it? How do we bare our souls to any and everyone, repeatedly, without feeling the fool?

i know these questions are semi-rhetorical, but they're deeply important to me. It can be difficult to balance a nature that longs to be completely free in loving, with the necessity for discernment and some reservedness. Because we don't want to become jaded and fearful, shielding ourselves from all risk and possibility. But there is, i believe, great value in being careful with one's own heart...

Knowing your own depth and your capacity to love easily and fully... it is important to honor yourself by choosing with great care, how much trust you will bestow upon any person. my own personal answer to the second question... the solution for me is... i do not bare my soul to just anyone. i know i cannot. And i believe it's fitting and proper to pick and choose.

That said, i personally throw my heart open wider than many are comfortable doing, i think. And why? Because... i very seriously accept that i will experience more pain. Occasionally, gut-wrenching, tearing pain. i accept this, because i like who i am when i'm openly adoring... and closing to protect myself too much, would cast a shadow over me always.

So. i know you didn't really ask for answers here, but i just felt compelled to give some response. i only hope i have not offended...

Also... i'm glad you'll try not to bark or bite. Because i would enjoy the chance to pet you and see you comforted. :-)

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I really needed to read this - so no, you haven't offended at all. :-)

[birdbard.livejournal.com]

Wow. You describe a life beautifully lived. If only we all strove to love so fully!

Thank you both for sharing these words, hearing them opens me to being more.

Namaste,
Bird

[rowyn]

*petpets*

I hope that's not the case, with your friend. :/ I love getting long letters about how great I am, myself. :)

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

*giggle* Is that a hint?

How late is late, btw? I wasn't sure what time you and John were thinking of for tomorrow night.

[rowyn]

Aigh! I didn't get this until I got home today. :(

"Late" would've been around 10PM -- that's when Jordan's game wrapped up. So I don't know how well that would've worked for you anyway.

I *am* going to catch you the next time I'm in town. Which should be for at least three days instead of just 36 hours. This trip was *short*.

[circuit-four.livejournal.com]

*dons a Kevlar glove and reaches gently for your ears* ♥

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

*nuzzles* (what's a Kevlar glove? dare i ask? ;-) )

[circuit-four.livejournal.com]

Clawproof. It's the kind Rik uses to pet Martians. :)

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

*grin* I see. *hugs you fiercely*

Does Measles want to see Disney World? :-)

[gleefulfreak.livejournal.com]

*pets you gently* It's ok. You're safe. You're loved. And my hands are pretty tough when it comes to biting. :)

[gleefulfreak.livejournal.com]

And it's always ok to feel what you feel.

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

That's the lesson, I think. To not shy away from any changes that need to be made, while keeping a certain gentleness and compassion for that fearful self, who needs to be heard and held (metaphorically if not literally.)

[gleefulfreak.livejournal.com]

Yes. It's a toughy, isn't it? Because there's no room to substitute hardness for genuine I-could-get-clobbered-here bravery.

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

Thank you. *hugs*

[momentrabbit.livejournal.com]

((pushes a plate of shortbread cookies and a short glass of milk under the bed...))

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

Mmmmm....cookies...

(thank you)

[sythyry.livejournal.com]

*hug* I love you anymore!

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

I love you, too. *hug*

[birdbard.livejournal.com]

(((((((((((((((((KC)))))))))))))))))

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

((((((((KB))))))))